so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
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