I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
