Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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