i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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