if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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