when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
It's never too late to be topless.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
