Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
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