life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Randomize
