I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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