A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
