A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
