my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
