I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
