I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Randomize
