So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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