i wish there were pregnant emoticons
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
