she looked like the before picture.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
