The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
