I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
