She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
