I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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