I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
