Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
