I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Randomize
