Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
