Can i not drive my cunt home
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
