So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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