I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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