woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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