How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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