I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
