I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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