she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
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