When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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