I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
The uberlube is also flammable
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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