Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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