There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I am naked and annoyed.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
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