so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Randomize
