The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Randomize
