Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
