I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
