You were right. It hurts to walk today.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
