I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Randomize
