so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
