just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
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