feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
