oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
