I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
