I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Randomize
