Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
